she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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