I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
