remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
