as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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