I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You ruined the universe
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
