i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
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