i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
