my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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