he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
