i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
