Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
