Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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