i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
