were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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