News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
