Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
