i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
