Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
