im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
