Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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