Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
