Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
people are starting to question the shark bite story
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
