please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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