I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
