u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
