Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
