Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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