The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
