just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
