Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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