the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
