Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
