Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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