Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
