Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
