Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
