No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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