I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
