just come out here and I will go home with you...
tell your sister to shave her snatch
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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