Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
