i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
