Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
