so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
