you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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