Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
They have beer where we have blood.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
