Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
