# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
