Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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