the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
