So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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