I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
