Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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